If you ’re anything like us, and you’re here to party – and let’s be real, you wouldn’t be googling “pub crawl Krakow” and reading this article right now if you weren’t – chances are you can picture yourself doing what we do for a living. And while leading a group of drunk people around the square is no rocket science, there are certain qualities that you should have if you’re considering making binge-drinking your career.
I’m sure that one or two of the questions below have crossed your mind if you’ve suddenly found yourself downing yet another Jagerbomb at 5 AM with a crowd of the mythical, seemingly alcohol-immune creatures known as pub crawl guides. Starting with…
#1 …how the hell do you do this EVERY DAY?
The truth is, we don’t. While some of us have decided to make getting drunk a career path and throw ourselves face-first into a wave of spirytus (which you should never, ever try if you’re a lightweight), we’re not suicidal. Yeah, we do it 5 times a week, and go out on the other nights anyway, but after the first month of working as a guide, you’re going to understand that you might as well pack your bags and check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital, because with the amount of temptation, free booze and peer pressure around you’d quickly go insane. So even though you might see us around all the time, we don’t do it every night. Even the craziest cunts have their limits, and sometimes you just need a good ol’ 18 hour long nap to recover from last night’s debauchery.
#2 Can I hold the sign?
Chances are you’ve seen us prowling through the square with our giant green sign (slightly battered, but that’s what happens when you’re the #1 Krakow pub crawl) and in your state of intoxication realised that the only thing you’ve ever wanted in your life was to hold it. Quickly collecting whatever shreds of dignity you have left and trying oh so hard to put together a coherent string of words otherwise known as a sentence, you approach whichever one of us is currently holding it, and blurt out the question above. This point is in this article just to save you the heartache – the answer is always going to be no. There’s a reason why we have to get a new sign every two weeks, and it can be summed up in two words: drunk. people.
#3 Do you speak Polish?
Yes, we do have a few token Polskis working for the crawl and having the time of their lives. And they do speak Polish (duh). As for the rest of our cosmopolitan squad of weirdos, their prowess in Polish is usually limited to about 7 words on a good day – including “fuck” and “vodka”. So if you’re thinking about joining our lovely ranks as a part of the best Krakow pub crawl, fear not. You don’t need to cut through the jungle of crazy consonants and learn 7 different cases to get a job as a glorified alcoholic (and the Polish amongst us will make sure to teach you the most important stuff, like how to brag about your dick size and order takeaway without leaving your bed).
#4 Wow, how do I get this job?
Not a night passes by without a variation of “man, you have the best job in the world!” or “can I work here?” ringing in my ears. And I can definitely understand why – although nowhere near glamorous, the lifestyle of a professional drunk is pretty sweet. You spend your nights going to the best clubs in Kraków, get free booze everywhere, make friends with all the bartenders (which equals even more free booze) and the only consequence that you might experience is a hangover from hell – though we’re definitely faithful to the hair of the dog approach. The answer to this question is simple – to work with us you need to have charisma, be a people person and maybe drink a few with the manager to set the tone for your future cooperation. Charm us, buy a few rounds and you’ll be proud to call yourself a Krakow pub crawl guide in no time. And trust me, with time you’ll learn – you’re never just a guide. You’re also a shepherd, psychologist, babysitter and mother all rolled into one.
#5 Will you drink a shot with me?
Come on, mate. The answer to that is always going to be yes.